How does one get help?

So, I wake up to the same old thought over and over and over. It impedes my ability to converse or engage in any decent way. It stops me being able to think clearly, to make decisions or to make any headway in my working life.

I also have a problem that I can't really tell anyone. To put this onto one person would be unfair. But I look over each day wondering when I can carry out my plan. How much time alone can I glean out of the day? I have prepared a pack- blade, 6 x 100mg Quetiapine, 6 x 10mg Diazepam and a navy towel. I have thought hard about this, and a light coloured towel would be too traumatic for the person who finds me.  A letter to my loved ones is enclosed.I test the soft skin across my wrist.

It is such a comforting thought that I run to it again and again and again. This to me would be a gentle end to the constant torment in my head and this vast, fathomless depression which has swept me up and carried me away from reason and life.

So if I get to that point, do I ring my GP? But what if she's not working that day? Do I ring my friend E? No, that's too cruel to do to a friend, who's been such a support. It's almost like throwing all that support back at the people who have been so good to listen to my endless jumbled ramblings.

Then the whole A & E business hits me in the face. If I tried (and failed) I would be looked on with contempt....a time waster, a bed blocker, when there are people who are REALLY ill.

So I will do it silently, and in the peace and quiet of my own home.

Then the pictures come fast and furious again...the grandchildren; how on earth do you ever explain this to a child who loves you unconditionally? You can't. Even my grown up children would never in a million years understand how they weren't enough to keep me alive. I would be a traitor to all their love and compassion. And M, M, M, who would probably have to find me, if I didn't call out before then.

So then I realise that my love for them is too strong. I can't do it, can I? I am too passionate, too in love with them, and I cannot bear to look at the future for them, if I did what I really want to do.

So I am stuck in a kind of purgatory. I can't stay in this world, but I can't leave either. What a mess. And so the cycle of punishing thoughts continue on for another hellish 24 hours. I wish I could get off this train.